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On Marriage
There Is No Perfect Stranger
Have you ever felt that you were too hasty in choosing your husband? Do you ever think, "Out there, somewhere, is the right person to make me happy. He is waiting for me and I will find him, no matter what."
Our self talk plays an enormous role in relationships. This talking we do to our self is extremely important when it comes to our marriage. Many women have talked themselves completely out of love with their husband because of faults they dwell on in their husband or inadequacies they perceive. Could it be we really do believe there is a perfect stranger out there that will fulfill all our "wants".
Again, I refer to Dr. Gordon Livingston's book, Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart. He says, "No element of dissatisfaction with our lives is more common than a belief that we have in our youth made the wrong choice of partner. The fantasies generated often take the form of a conviction that there exists somewhere the person who will save us with his or her love. Much of the infidelity that is the hallmark of unhpapy marriages rests on this illusion."
Dr. Livingston goes on to say that aside from variety (bordom at home), reassurance of youth and immortality and feeding conceit of attractiveness are reasons for infidelity. According to statistics, fifty to sixty-five percent of married men and thrity-five to forty-five percent of married women take this route.
If you are toying with the idea that there really is a perfect stranger out there, consider the homes that have broken, only to break again and again. Have you ever considered that the wild, crazy feeling that makes a man or woman leave home and family for a new "love", will only become stagnant again. Sooner or later very "human" traits will show up in the new partner. Sooner or later that "needy" person will need reassurance again that youth is still there and that attractiveness is still an attribute. Then the only solution is to find someone else to cause that euphoric feeling again.
Who suffers when infidelity is lurking in a home? The children, of course. It's easy to say, "It's best to split because it's not good for them to be in an unhappy environment." At this point in time, no thought is given to the insecurity of this child in years to come. No one sees that the child is being taught to give up when the going gets tough. However, the child is not the only one hurt. The adults are too.
Again, Dr. Livingston says, " Infidelity is a uniquely human expression of fear and longing. The search for ideal love is both infantile and a symptom of middle-aged fears." He makes the point that it most often fails to improve our lives and frequently devastates them. It is a wise person that tries to work through differences, a wise person that seeks counsel and works to improve situations. This is called growth and it is in this growth that we find out what life is all about. It is putting others ahead of our own wishes. It is trying when we don't "feel" like it. It is realizing love is more than a feeling, it is a committment. It is getting on the same page with our spouse and digging up that spark that happened in the first place.
I am not charting unknow territory when I speak of this. I have been there. I was in a rocky marriage that was truly of my own making. I was a selfish woman, thinking only of my needs. Fortunately, I came to my senses and realized I had three children that needed for our marraige to work and a husband that loved me. I made a committment to myself, and to God, to do all I could to save our marraige. It worked. No, it was not perfect, but I had come to realize that there is nothing perfect in this world. I began to count my blessings that I had a good husband. We were excited when we celebrated our 25th anniversary. We felt that we had accomplished something that some people will never experience. Then I lost my husband a few weeks later to a sudden heart attack. How devastated I was. I was able to endure, knowing I had made him a happy man during the last years of our lives together.
Every human being, men and women, needs to know there is someone there to pick them up when they fall down. They need to know someone affirms them, that someone really hears what they say and approves of them. Affairs are not the real thing. There has to be something deeper than the thrill of the moment. We all yearn for the real thing. It is based on honesty. If you have it, fight for it, work at it, savor it. There's no perfect stranger out there, waiting for you to show up!
"Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up."
Joseph Barth
~NOTE~
It goes without saying, there are abusive situations and it is never recommended that a person stay in this type of setting. I don't hesitate to say GET HELP. We were not created to live in fear of another person.
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