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On Marriage
The Enemy, Anger
Do you and your spouse or significant other have anger problems. Life looks completely different when the wind is out of our sails. We are not sure where to turn. We question the whole relationship.
Anger is an emotion that is real and is absolutely a part of each person's makeup. It can not and should not be denied. Learning how to deal with this emotion is a real battle. But once this is settled, a person becomes in charge of his feelings, rather than feelings controlling the person. This is a big step in maturing as an individual.
It's understandable that couples starting out have a lot to learn about each other. They began to realize this person that seemed perfect a short while ago is just as human as they themselves are. Little everyday things can grind in a relationship. Add to this children or stress of the work day and an explosion can occur. But this is not limited to young couples starting out. Why is divorce rate high among people that have been married 25 plus years? Could it be unresolved anger
Anger and fighting starts when we feel our values, attitudes, possessions or self esteem is threatened. This can come from a need that developed in our childhood. Some children never learned how to control anger. They watched their parents and unfortunately parents don't have answers and become very poor role models in terms of anger management. These children are on our streets today with guns, on drugs or in school bullying other children.
I believe one of the worst ways to manage anger is to repress it, deciding to "forget it". If anger is not dealt with, rest assured, it will show up sooner or later. This build up can been seen any single day on news reports, as people make a decision to "get even verbally or physically.
Here are some rules for fair fighting.
* It may sound funny but when you feel anger building, schedule an argument ahead of time, Agree before hand that there are some things that you can disagree on ( personal interests, beliefs, etc.) Other things must be worked through (how to raise the children, spend money, how you would like to be treated, etc..)
* Chose a time when you will not be distracted by family members, guests or television and when you both are relatively relaxed. Sit face to face and keep eye contact at the same level. Make a contract to discuss the issue of concern only and agree to avoid those ways of acting that sabotage problem solving such as name calling, shouting or accusing. Make a commitment to use rules of fair fighting.
* Express yourself to the best of your ability. Talk feelings. Tell the person how you feel about what is going on. Feelings first, solutions later. Get your point across in a constructive way by owning how you feel about the topic. Use the formula sentence, When you _____, I feel ____ . This simple statement allows you to take responsibility for your own feelings and behavior without blaming the other person. It could be that you are too sensitive and let "feelings" rule for the most part. The most important key to having a good relationship is honesty. Nothing makes up for a lack of trust.
Many people walk away from a relationship because it was too hard to live with a person, not realizing that any unresolved personal problems in one relationship will only be taken into the next. It's not best to take the easy way out. Maturity is facing hard situations and coming up with solutions. Both people grow in this environment. Both people learn to like themselves as well as each other. It's important to remember there is much more to a relationship than physical attraction. The "liking each other" part makes the other areas work!
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"I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin."
Antoine de Saint
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