I look back on my parenting days and wonder how in the world my children grew into fine, law abiding citizens! How little I knew when they were under my feet, believing Mom had a handle on 'things'. With deeper thought, I shudder with some memories. I wasn't sure they or even I would make it through. That's why I want to share what I have learned. If what is on these pages makes it easier for even one parent, I would have succeeded in what I share.
Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart by Gordon Livingston, M.D.is one of my favorite books. I would recommend it to anyone. He has crammed so much into such a small book. I wonder "Where was this guy when I needed him?" But then I wasn't looking for him at that point in time. I thought I had all the answers!
In raising our children, we assumed that of course we were to tell them what to do. There are times when this is appropriate, of course. But there are times when it is very inappropriate. That's where I got it wrong many times. Let me share Dr. Livingston's words with you:
"We are not obedient people. Most of us are the descendants of those who undertook dangerous voyages in pursuit of freedom and self-determination, and were willing to sacrifice a great deal in defense of these ideas. We are genetically programmed to question authority."
This point, 'genetically programmed to question authority' is the source of lots of problems in family settings. The child wants to make at least some decisions. We want to demand this or that be done and we use our authority to get it done. What a battle! The parent seems to think chaos will take over if they don't 'stay on top of things'. Chores won't get done, rooms won't get cleaned, homework will be forgotten and as Dr. Livingston says, this will be followed by "drug abuse, pregnancy, and a life of crime. Those thoughts of doom are brought on just because the child won't listen and we have the authority to demand attention and action.
It's at this point in the book that Dr. Livingston points out that assembly line workers who cannot strike can slow down. He goes on to say, "Children, who are prevented by their small physical and psychological size from confronting their parents openly, can demonstrate their unhappiness by not doing what they are told. Poor schoolwork, failure to do assigned shores, extreme slowness, a tendency to ignore instructions - all are common examples of passive aggressive behaviors that drive parents crazy. The most common parental response is to persist with lectures, instructions and punishments in an effort to 'get this kid to listen.' "
Can you see a problem here? Is this your style of parenting. If so, rethink what is happening in this little person'smind and heart. There are so many battles between parents and children that don't have to be fought. You have probably heard the phrase, "Pick your battles." Some are so trivial, yet we demand the child obey! The shirt they want to wear to school can be their choice. The book they want to buy might can be their choice. There are many places they can choose and it won't bring the house down! By giving them some leeway, they can feel they are in control of at least something in their life. That's not a threat to your authority. It is showing the child that you trust them to make at least small decisions. Who wants to live with a dictator ruling with an iron hand? (See parent note below.)
One last quote from wise Dr. Livingston: "The primary goal of parenting, beyond keeping our children safe and loved, is to convey to them a sense that it is possible to be happy in an uncertain world, to give them hope...... We can not expect children that are constantly criticized, bullied, and lectured to think well of themselves and their futures."
Though it may not seem like it, you will have your children in your care for only a short while, comparatively speaking. Learn from those who have been there. Life does not need to be a fight. There is turmoil awaiting your child just outside your front door. Let freedom reign inside, during those times when things just don't matter that much. If you are trying really hard to 'do it right', you will know when discipline is needed, when your No has to be accepted.
Last word: Buy the book!
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"It is better to bind your children to you by a feeling of respect and by gentleness,
than by fear." ~Terence~
*Parent note:If you sense profound anger, continuous rebellion, total disrespect, check what your child is viewing on TV, check the example you are setting for them and look for quality time to spend with this child. All things are new to them. They are testing the waters, they are trying to figure out who they are. That's why they need your help in realizing they are o.k.!
There are many good websites to help concerned, caring parents find answers.Children are worth our time and effort!
