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On Marriage
Double Dipping In Communication
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Since Adam and Eve, there have been intrapersonal relationship conflicts. God Himself said it was not good for man to be alone. So He gave Adam a companion. That started relationships, many, some say most, being marked by conflicts. The conflict itself is not the problem. As long as there is life, there will be conflict because we live in an imperfect world. It's how we handle the conflict that makes or breaks us. Dr. Gary Collins, in his book, Christian Counselling, A Comprehensive Guide, discusses seven faults that hinder good marriage relationships
"A self-centered need to be noticed, to be in control, to have one's own way, or to have money, presteige and status."
Self centeredness is at the core of many problems in our world today. Modern society teaches it's good to seek after individualism, independence and self determination. This is detrimental to two people who are trying to blend their lives into oneness. None of these qualities are bad in themselves. We want to be all we can be. However, if it takes putting a spouse down to accomplish your goal, count the cost!
"A non-forgiving, bitter attitude."
What attracted you to your mate and your mate to you? Was it your smile, your enthusiam for life, your sweetness? And now you wonder why you both have|changed. Many times unforgiven quot;little" things can build a wall that makes|attitudes extremely bitter. This very thing can lead right to divorce court or to the all too familiar scenario of quot; staying together for the kids". Who are we to hold a grudge against the person we vowed to love. Life is too short! Talk it out. Forgive, even if you can't forget. Remember, you both need someone that really cares for you. The outside world is bitter, angry, judgemental. This attitude won't work in homelife.
"A tendency to be critical, judgemental and angry."
See above discussion.
"An insecurity that involves feelings of threat, fear of rejection, and a reluctance to trust others."
What a terrible feeling to be insecure and have a fear of rejection! It makes life almost not worth living. Dr. Collins has said, "Perhaps it is true that we all are wounded on our way to adulthood." Those wounds can be inflicted by anyone, even our own thought process. If they are not discovered and corrected, they manifest themselves in many forms, some being fear, insecurity, etc. Do you realize the power you have to make your husband feel secure, and he you? A willing person can be a mighty force for good in the home.
"Prejudice, often unrecognized or denied."
See a non-forgiving, bitter attitude.
"An unwillingness or inability to "open up"and share one's feelings and thoughts."
Neither person will open up in a marriage until they feel they won't be criticized or made fun of. The people involved have to trust each other. If trust has been broken, it will take time. Start by working on the other areas mentioned above. Consistency in words and in actions will prove your sincerity.
"A failure or unwillingness to recognize individual differences."
Your husband was a whole individual when you married him. He still is. He has a mind of his own. Who wants a puppet on a string that moves and speaks as we say to.
All the areas of communication mentioned are tough. But consider the ramifications of divorce. Is it not worth a try to work on the tough spots, which by the way, you will have in other relationships if they are not worked out in the present situation. It has been proven time and again; the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.
Personal Not : There is no place for physical abuse or mental cruelty in a relationship.
If there are life threatening situations in your home, please seek professional help.
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