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Parenting~Let's Hear It For The Children
“Are you going to sleep all day?...Who said you could
use my hair spray?...Clear the dishes off the table…..
Turn down that radio…Have you made your bed?...
That skirt is too short…Your closet is a mess… Stand
up straight…Quit chewing your gum like that!...
Don’t slouch…You didn’t make your bed…Quit banging on the piano…Your fingernails are too long!....Get off that phone…You’ve been in the bathroom long enough…Turn off that radio and go
to sleep.”
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This list of criticisms is entitled “Saturday With A Teenage Daughter.” It was published in Dr. Charles Schaefer’s book, How To Influence Children , after he found it in a Rhode Island Church periodical. Hopefully at the time of the church publication, it made parents aware of phrases that have heavy influences on a child’s life. As we prepare for the biggest holidays of the year, tension can run high. Stress may abound as concerned parents try to finish all the details for a wonderful holiday. Where is the easiest place to strike out with little resistance in return? Unfortunately our children get the brunt of our poor coping skills.
Dr. Hendrie Weisinger and Norman Lobsenz in their book, Nobody’s Perfect, tell of a family therapist and authority on the effect of criticism. He asked a group of college students to think about criticisms from their childhood. One student said he always felt like a total failure when his parents would say, “How many times do I have to tell you?” Other students relayed statements such as, “Look at you, you’re a mess!”, and “Can’t you do anything right?”, and “You are a bad boy (or girl).” Students agreed that most of the negative statements were made by their mothers. Such statements play over and over in a child's mind as they try to determine in their young life, “Who am I and what's my worth?” Critical statements such as these are filed permanently in the brain’s memory bank. They continue to plague the child with concerns of worth and abilities or inadequacies.
Dr. Weisinger gives the long term effects of destructive criticism. I share some of them here in my own words.
• A child will believe what they are told and will accept without protest what they deem asknowledge from an adult.
• Destructive criticism can lead to anger, anxiety and resentment. This stunts the child from productive behavior.
• While criticism rarely corrects problems, parents eventually blame each other for an unruly child. Unfortunately the child suffers because of the disharmony.
• Destructive criticism damages the self-esteem of both the child and the parent. The child never feels he measures up while the parents may suffer for years as they realize their parental skills were amiss during times that were truly important. We don’t wake up in the morning with a plan to belittle our children. It can happen in the course of everyday living when accompanied by stress, worry, financial burdens, etc. But that doesn’t make it right.
This holiday season let’s determine in our hearts that we will truly spread good cheer,
starting with the children. Think about the suggestions below. Use them or go in your own direction. It’s amazing how little changes can affect children in a positive way.
• Tell your child you’re sorry when you have been harsh with them. Give them a hug and ask their forgiveness. Teaching by example helps teach children how to handle life as an adult.
• Get into the habit of calling each child your favorite; your favorite oldest, your favorite middle child and your favorite youngest. It always brought smiles from my children when I did this and I still do it on occasion.
• Make sure your child knows you don't love them because of a good report card, because of a game they won or because he shared with his siblings. It’s important that they know their behavior neither adds to nor takes away your love. We are proud of them when they act properly or accomplish a goal, but we love them because of who they are. They feel safe if they know even if the world turns its back on them, they are loved at home unconditionally. It’s good to let “I love you” be the last words they hear at night.
• Material things wear out, get lost, or loose their appeal. It’s the heart things that matter. This season help your child learn the importance of thinking of others. This can be a donation to Salvation Army or Goodwill of well preserved toys that they no longer enjoy or wherever you see a need in your community. This can be a stress reliever for Moms and a memory maker for the little one to see a soft side of Mom. And it’s a sure thing that you can’t be critical while blessing others. These things leave deep impressions on a child’s heart of a mellowing kind.
~Happy Parenting With Memorable Holidays~
“We do not remember days; we remember moments.’’
~Cesare Pavese~
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